This Is 40, Installment 8

It hit me like a dump truck full of bricks tonight. There's this thing I do and I'm pretty sure it's not what people under 40 do. Certainly not people under 30. It's about my text life.

When I'm texting I go light on the emojis and heavy on...wait for it... the adverbs. I use adverbs in my texts. I think that's uncool. A quick glance through my phone and you will see that my texts have more adverbs than necessary. One of my favorite quotes about writing is from Steven King: "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." And I agree. Generally. (See what I did there?) It's the whole showing vs. telling, and using too many adverbs is grounds for writer divorce.

This whole idea made me look through my texts for adverbs, and that morphed into finding words that a 20 or 30 something year old would probably not use. I also used the words tacos and cheese an excessive amount of times over such a short period of time. (But, I mean, can you blame me? Are there better things than tacos and cheese?)

At least I didn't come across any of the text with  ranDOMly CapITALIZED letters that make me feel like I'm BEING YELLED AT.

Here are some uncool words/old person words and adverbs from my last few weeks of texts:

Uncool/Old Person Words        Adverbs
colloquialism                             accidentally
obligations                                 totally
prearranged                                totally
proctor                                       possibly
hardcore                                     totally
Pinterest                                     completely
chemicals                                   enthusiastically
incorporate                                 totally
plumber                                      exuberantly
manuscript                                  loudly
database                                      selfishly
cornbread                                    objectively
referral                                        hopefully
attendance                                   finally
symptoms                                   definitely
grammar                                     totally
negative                                      originally
shitburgers                                  totally
confirm                                       really
vulnerable
kale
confirmation
disregard


This is 40.

Nostalgically going through pics lately... BFFs from college. All turning 40 this year!

Things I Found Under the Couch This Morning: An Image of My Life in Words

Things I Found Under the Couch This Morning

a ball
a mini hockey stick
embroidery floss
a ball
a winter glove
a Buzz Lightyear squirt gun
seven baby board books
a ball
two baby cloth books
an overdue library book
two flip flops
one slipper
a foam sword
two rattles
a ball
a hanger
a burp cloth
a Halloween coloring sheet
a ball
three magazines, one ripped up
a painted mini pumpkin (a real one)
three unmatching socks
a ball
a piece of foam board from a game I made
a ball
a onesie

We do have a big couch, but still. And it's been only about a month since my last comprehensive under-the-couch purge. And now all this stuff is in the living room, because who has time to put it all away? No me. I'm busy writing this in order to psychologically deal with the chaos.

Words, words, words

I've gotten behind on my posting. Somehow I don't seem to have much time for writing these days... For a long time I've been meaning to compile quotes from the boys that I paste on my facebook personal profile, but never put on the blog. These are from the past year. Which one is your favorite?

Clark: "Mommy if I wasn't in your family I would marry you and give you kisses and hugs all the time. "

Clark: "Last week I was a man. My doctor told me I will turn into a girl tomorrow."

While snuggling with my morning snugglers: Cal: "Mom, your feet are the greatest feet." Me: "Why?" Cal: "Because they feel like wood on the bottom." 

"Mom, I just saw a sound wave. It was greyish and it moved really slowly. I think it was Teddy crying." -Cal

Mom, I'm a superhero, here to take away your seizures.

"I know what I want to be for Halloween next year. A stranger." -Cal

After a weekend visit from New York friends with two little girls: "I want to marry one of those girls who live in New York City. What are their names again?" -Clark

Cal: "Mom, if you were a caring parent you'd let me do whatever I want. I guess you can't be my mom anymore. You can be someone else's mom. I guess I need to go to a special school where the teacher will let you be bad." This one will be a fun teenager.

"Mom don't come in, I'm nursing Clark right now."

Today's top Cal-isms: 1. Me: "CALVIN! Stop trying to drink the rice off your plate! I've said it twice. It's going all over the floor." Cal: "Well, would you like to join me, Mom?" 2. Me: "CALVIN! Don't slam the fridge door like that." Cal: "In the afternoon I'm stronger than in the morning so I can't help it."

Brian: " Dogs have really good senses of smell." Cal: "Can a dog in North Carolina smell a dog in Kansas City?"

"When can I play Algebra 2?" "And when can we drink alcohol?" -Cal

"Mom, I love your new hair cut. You're as beautiful as a butterfly." -Cal

"Look, Mom I've got maternity pants on!"

Cal: "Ohh, Mom, what are these on my pants?" Me: "Those are called grass stains." Cal: "Wow, they are so beautiful."

The boys' latest baby name ideas: Zamboni, Slapshot, Fred, Lasagna. We're clearly making headway since one of these is an actual name.

Me: "Calvin, you need to obey me quicker. That took way too long." Cal: "I love you and you're pretty."

"I want a brother. Cal wants a sister. If it's a brother, I win. If it's a girl, Cal wins. I really love winning games." -Clark

Alex to Clark: "You're cute." Clark: "I'm not cute! Cats and dogs are cute!"

"Mom, you're cuter than my last mommy." -Cal

"I'm going to be an artist when I grow up. I'll draw Spiderman and everything. And lots of other stuff. And videos." -Cal

Brian and Clark are talking about volcanoes. Cal comes over. Cal coughs. Cal coughs again, and smugly declares : "My coughing destroyed your conversation."

I overheard the boys talking about a boy we recently saw at a wedding who we hadn't seen for almost two years. Cal: "Charles is so much bigger than he used to be." Clark: "I know! He's SO tall! He's taller than his MOM!" Cal: "Yeah, that dude is HIGH!" 

"Why did my milk make a U-turn in my mouth and come right out?" Clarky

Cal: "Mom I don't want to say good morning to you until I put on my pants. And I know that's rid-ick-lee-us."

"Goodnight, Mom. I'm going to wake up as a monster." - Cal

Cal: "When I'm too old to play baseball I want to be a car-fixer." Me: "Cool. Do you want to own your own car business? You could call it Cal's Cars. Cal: "No, I'd want to call it Raisin." Clark: "Yeah, Raisin.org."

"If a spider ate us, would it take forEVER?" -Cal

Cal: "Mom did you know that if you feed babies soda they will grow nine kidneys?"

Clark: "Mom, oftentimes when I'm brushing my teeth I forget that I don't need to squeeze the tube so hard. I don't do it very well." This is what happens when English teachers have children together.

Cal: "Mom, can we have breast milk with dinner?"

Me: "Go to your bedroom right now, Calvin." Calvin, whining: "How long do I have to stay there?" Me: "Until I feel like having you out here again." Pause. Calvin: "That makes no sense."

Clark: "Hey Cal, remind me that I need to poop." Cal: "Cool." I don't understand this kind of talk. Is it because I'm a girl?

"Dad your voice smells yucky when you get up in the morning." -Cal

"I don't want to have another baby. Do you know why? Teddy is the best baby on Earth. I only love him the best on all the Earth." -Cal

"Mom, do you have nipples? I forgot." -Clark

"Mom, I'm a gorilla and I'm scratching my tummy to communicate to you that I like the smoothie you made for me." -Clark

Clark: "My head hurts. Maybe it's from too much thinking." (brow furrow) "Wait. Is too much thinking a thing, Mom?"

"When did they design poop? When was it not alive?" -Cal

Clark: "So where are the Wright brothers NOW?" Cal: "They're taking a shower." Clark: "Oh. Because they're dirty and stinky?" Cal: "Yep."

"Mom, I'm so excited to see Alex today. I would pay a worker $55 from my wallet to get to see her." -Cal (He has neither $55 nor a wallet)

"Mom, you need to get off your feet." -Clark

"Calvin! Stop saying that. Gooder is not a word. It's better. Mom, Cal always says gooder but it's really better." -Clark

Latest baby name ideas from the boys: Leprechaun, Banana Chip, Pretty Tree, and Tom Jefferson. So helpful.

Latest in the baby name search: Crosson Sauce, Milk Cup, and they won't stop with the Fred and Slapshot.

Cal: "Mom, why do ladies look nicer than mans?"

Clark, looking at his reflection in the oatmeal pan: "Look, there's my neck, but not my handsome head. My lovely, beautiful neck."

Me: "Cal! Did you hear me, Cal?" Cal: "No. I have sound memory loss."

The boys' latest baby name suggestions: Balcony and Alcohol. I do enjoy a little balcony wine from time to time, but I'm not going to name my child after it. We seem to be regressing...

Clark made my bedroom his locker room this morning as he put on his Alex Ovechkin jersey. "I need privacy here, Mom. Did you know Ovechkin is still Ovechkin even when he's naked?"

"Do construction workers go to heaven?" -Clark

I was about to take a plain grey shirt out of my closet this morning when Clark weighed in: "No, you should wear something pretty because you're a girl." Today I wore a pink shirt.

Baby name update: Clark wants to name him "Horse Collar Tackle 15 Yard Penalty." Cal still votes for "Kevin Bacon." Meanwhile, Brian and I are all out of boy names we both like so... this kid could be in trouble.

Cal: "Clark, why don't you like milk in your Cheerios?" Clark: "Well, I just grew up not liking milk in my Cheerios."

"I like terrible songs." -Cal "I smell underwear." -Clark Yaaay, more boys...

"I'm not crying. My eye is drooling." -Cal

"I know what we should name the baby! Kevin Bacon!" -Calvin

"Mom, football is rough. You need to learn how to be rough. I'll teach you." -Clark

How Can I Make Myself Into a Girl?

Just checking in here. I'm trying to write more often, even if it's in small entries.

As I wrote about here and here, earlier this year, we field a lot of random, often unanswerable questions around our house. This morning was no different, but I wrote them all down. These are all just from this morning.

Is Spiderman nice to babies?

Does the dentist go to the dentist?

Who eats cardboard? Barbarians?

What if I could cross stitch with my feet?

Are we famous?

When can I nurse in your lap?

Can I make my own friend in my tummy?

Who were you in when you were born?

Do I look like a bouncing tornado?


And lastly, the question that spawned an hour-long experiment:

How can I make myself into a girl?

PHOTO BOMB!

Remember: for more classic Cal and Clark questions, go here: A Questions Sampling

and here: Probing Questions

Today's Food Fables

The boys like to make up stories. Today while we ate lunch they were narrating stories to me and I decided to write them down. I bet you can't tell what we were eating.

The Carrot Who Wanted to be Eaten

by Clark

Once upon a time there was a lonely carrot who wanted to be eaten in the middle.  He asked a person,” Will you bite me in the middle?” The person said, “I have my own carrots at home.” Another person said, "I don’t have carrots at home. We were thinking of going to Costco to get some, but we didn’t, so I can bite you in the middle." So he tried to eat him in the middle but it didn’t work. Then a lady said the same thing- she didn’t have carrots at home either. She said, “I’ll bite you on the end and then eat up and up.” “No!” the carrot yelled out. Then he sat on the plate and turned into a real carrot who couldn’t talk and they all ate him. The end. 

The Ranch Dressing Gets Mad

by Calvin

Once upon a time there was Ranch Dressing. A penguin came up and said, “I want to eat all the Ranch dressing.” Ranch Dressing yelled, “No! Don’t eat me all!” And then a carrot came up and said, I want to eat you all.” And Ranch Dressing said, “No! Don’t eat me, just like the penguin.” Another penguin came up and said, “You don’t look good. I’m just going to eat the tree instead.” “Yes! said Ranch Dressing, “that’s good for me.” Then a big humongous excavator came and said, “I want to eat everything in the whole world, but not you.” “That’s good too,” said Ranch Dressing. Then a computer came up and said, “I want to come up and eat those little seeds.” No, said Ranch Dressing. “That’s a little part of the dressing too.” And then they talked a little more and someone said, you know what, we want to switch.” That was the hummus. Then a water bottle came up and said, “Don’t worry, the Gatorade is on his way now.” Then the Gatorade got there and said to Ranch Dressing, "Do you want to drink me? It's fine." Another hummus came up and said to Ranch Dressing, "Tomatoes are in me. Do you like tomatoes?" "Yes, said Ranch Dressing. And he wasn't mad. The end.

Calvin the author, illustrating his story-- this one
about a beard and a hand turkey

A Person With No Mouth

Just a quick note about something Cal said today that we don't want to forget.

The boys recently graduated from car seats to booster seats. (Hallelujah chorus) This makes going out in the car about a million times easier. We went all out and bought the seats with cup holders. Ha. I think most of them have cup holders, but the boys think they're the greatest things ever. One booster is purple and the other booster is gray. I guess they both wanted purple at the store, but there was only one purple. This means that the more desirable place to sit is always in the purple seat.

On the way to Cousin Finley's 3rd birthday party today, Clark got the purple seat. Cal was promised the purple seat on the way home. Her birthday party was a tea party and so I pulled out my floppy tea party hat and dressed the boys in ties. I told Brian that since he can't give me any girls, I'm going to dress up these boys as long as they'll let me. A tea party is a perfect excuse for them to be my dolls. Besides, they love being handsome.

All dressed up for the tea party

So after the adorable tea party we were driving home with Cal happily in the purple booster. But Clark was raining on his parade. He kept smugly telling Cal that the booster Cal was sitting in "actually isn't purple, it's white." This was infuriating Cal, who kept telling him he was lying to him. Suddenly Cal lifted his hands to the ceiling of the car and dramatically yelled,

"God! Send me a person with no mouth! Take my brother's mouth away!" Brian almost lost control of the car, we were laughing so hard at him.

We were thinking of sending them to a science day camp this summer, but I'm thinking maybe Cal should go to a performing arts camp.


Bonus tea party pictures:

For some reason Cal ate his cupcake with no hands- just his mouth,
nose, forehead, shirt, tie, and vest

Birthday Princess and her cupcakes

A Questions Sampling

The boys are full of unanswerable questions. So many times every day they ask questions that just have no logical answer. I typically draw a complete blank because there is really no way to answer the question with something they don't already know. It's usually annoying, sometimes embarrassing, and once-in-awhile hysterically funny. Cal's greatest question ever asked happened around Christmas when we received a package from Grandma and Papa. They like to send us their nut goodie bars and other delicious cookies around the holidays. We opened the package and there were smaller packages inside-- presumably cookies. Cal helped me open one and when he saw its contents was utterly disgusted. It wasn't anything edible.

"Why is this...not chocolate?" 

I don't think this question could possibly be asked often enough. 

I've been keeping track of some of theboys' questions from today and yesterday, to give you a tasty sampling. Enjoy. I'll be adding to this list...

Why were you wrong?

Why is this a chair?

How did you make up the word warm?

Why did I go potty?

Why is this toothpaste?

Why is she playing an accordion?

How did God make trees beautiful?

How did you make these lamps?

Why does he have a banjo instead of a guitar?

Why did Miss Mimi wear a blue shirt last time and a black shirt today?

Why was Apollo 13 a real story?

Why was Apollo 11 the first one to get to the moon?

Why is jam not peanut butter?

Why is paper just paper?

How did we make this gingerbread house?

Why is Batman not Spiderman?

How I Will Kick National Novel Writing Month in the Teeth

When I write things down on my blog they seem more real to me because I get people asking me about them. This is sometimes a good thing, other times awkward, but it's the way things are. Therefore, I begin this month, National Novel Writing Month, telling you readers that I am resurrecting my half-written novel and going to work on it again, beginning this morning.

Actually, I've already put in some time on it today. I'm not entering the NaNoWriMo contest, since my novel is already partially written, but I'm using the month to motivate me. The people who sign up attempt to write with literary abandon for thirty days and finish an entire novel. I tried it once before when I had no children and I couldn't even do it then. With it halfway written I actually might have a chance.

Just wanted to tell you. If you see me, ask me how it's coming. Email me. Comment here about it. I want to feel the peer pressure. Help me kick National Novel Writing Month in the teeth. Thank you.

The end.

Why Are Beans Bean and Aunt Bean is a Bean?

We are excited to have my sister here in the DC area for two months while she takes a course and prepares to move abroad to work. She will be splitting time between my brother’s house in DC and our house in the ‘burbs. She’s younger than me by nine years and therefore, to the boys, is nine times cooler than I am.

Ever since she was born I’ve been calling her Bean. She’s my Bean. At first I called her Bambino, then I called her Beano, then shortened it to Bean. All of that happened in the first couple months of her life. Ever since then she’s been Bean. But only to me. No one else calls her that. When Cal and Clark were born and she became an aunt, I asked if she wanted to be called Aunt Bean instead of her real name, and she did. The boys have only known her as Aunt Bean. Yesterday they wanted to get to the bottom of why she is named Aunt Bean.

As we were sitting and eating sandwiches after art class, Clark asked for an explanation. His peanut butter and jelly lines went from ear to ear and his eyebrows were furrowed. “Mommy, why are beans beans and Aunt Bean is a bean? He needed to understand. So I explained the origin of the nickname, and it seemed to make enough sense to them both.

Last night Aunt Bean made delicious black bean burgers (the boys still don’t know they didn’t have meat in them) and did the dishes. Tonight she helped with lasagna and did the dishes. Monday she drove us to swim class, took us grocery shopping where she pushed the squealing boys all over the supermarket in a toy car shopping cart (brand name: Bean) Yesterday she walked with us and helped push the stroller to art class, helped Cal carry back his pile of sticks that he is now collecting every time we go for a walk. I went running with her. We played with cattails with her at Popcorn Ponds. Watched Smokey the Bear public service announcements on her laptop (She’s worked for the Forest Service in the past). She fixed my bike. We showed her our library. Tomorrow we're going museuming with her. It's so fun to have her and to have the boys get to know their Aunt Bean.

Our voices sound alike, which is something we’ve used for our entertainment in the past. Our parents often can’t tell us apart on the phone. The other day Clark was yelling that he was done on the toilet. I answered to wait a minute and he got all flustered. “I’m talking to Mommy, not you, Aunt Bean!” It took some convincing to prove to him that I was answering him.

Overall the past few days have been great with Aunt Bean here. We’re so fortunate to get to see her over the next couple months!

Stalking a bullfrog at Popcorn Ponds

My Calvin Date

Today Brian and I split up the twins and took them on dates. I took Calvin to the National Book Festival and Brian took Clark to a Nationals game. We've only split them up this way a few times before, but I think it's important to spend one-on-one time with each of the boys. We surprised them. They didn't know what we were doing until Brian dropped Cal and I off at the festival on the National Mall.

It's hard because we don't want to put them in boxes and always assume that Cal will like the more artsy activity and Clark the sporty one...but it's also hard because we know that's what each of them likes the most. Cal is bored after awhile at a baseball game, but Clark knows the players and how to keep score and everything.

The date was rather last minute-- I had thought I'd be going to the festival by myself and so I hadn't paid much attention to the children's authors. I could have checked out books at the library from specific authors and then arranged to hear their presentations after the boys knew the books. That's what I've done in the past for myself. Next year I'll remember.

The author I wanted to hear and meet on Sunday was Amy Krouse Rosenthal. I love her adult book, Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life. I've read only one of her children's books, and the boys and I like it a lot (Bedtime for Mommy). So we heard her speak with my friend Missy, who introduced the book to me years ago, and we got to meet AKR. (Missy wrote about our afternoon here.) She signed my book and signed Cal's festival poster. She and Cal talked about superheroes (Cal has named his superhero self "Throthen" and Clark is "Quesadilla"). I told her about Whispers & Shouts and I was even so brazen as to hand her my card when she asked what the name of it is. Maybe she'll read this...

I bought Cal a book written and illustrated by a husband and wife team. You know how Cal loves to paint; I thought he would like to see the person who painted his book as well as the person who wrote it. We watched Erin and Philip Stead read two of their books from the front row: A Sick Day for Amos McGee and Bear Has a Story to Tell. They were charming.

Then we had a traumatic experience with Cat in the Hat and Sid the Science Kid at the PBS Kids tent, a side trip through the insect zoo and bathroom at the Natural History Museum, and a fun time at the Storybook Station before we walked to Uncle A's house to meet the baseball-ers.

The weather was unusually perfect for the festival (I have horrible rain and sweat book festival stories). I also thought it seemed to be organized and managed better than in past years-- it was a smoothly-operating function. What a fun day!

Here is my Calvin date in pictures:

Mommy and Calvy date!

 

Meeting Amy Krouse Rosenthal

 

Philip and Erin Stead

He ended up being brave enough for a
quick high five from Sid.

Then Cal stood and stalked Sid.

This is a big place with books and pillows for reading!

Yep!

Drawing a ceiling fan

I don't know.

Walking back to Uncle A's house

Our Preschool is in Session!

Awhile ago Brian and I decided not to send the boys to preschool. I have the time and I love to teach them things. I also have the opportunity to watch little Alexandra for extra money and to give the boys a built-in playmate and pretend little sister. We’ve had her a few days a week since she was four months old and we are all in love with her. I think the three of them get enough socialization with each other and all the other friends we have. Sometimes it’s so much socialization it makes me want to plug my ears and curl up under my bed in the fetal position, but it’s usually healthy socialization.

This fall many of the boys’ friends are off at preschool, which takes away the option of morning playdates with those friends. Meanwhile, I’ve been looking at a whole bunch of preschool units and activities to use for the boys (and Alex!). Pinterest is brilliant. As I’ve been doing this I’ve also been organizing a bunch of our pictures. I found pictures of the past year and noticed all the ways that we work learning into our days, even without all the museums we visit and not counting our road trip learning adventures.  

So far the boys love this. 

We have community center classes starting this week, but I’ve also been doing more preschool-y things with them.  They’re so obsessed with Sid the Science Kid that they’re throwing around words like elasticity, inertia, estimation, and investigation. The other day Clark leaned over toward the toilet and said his poop looked like animal communication. Weirdo. Those 30 minute Sid episodes actually introduce some great ideas for activities to do on the topic. I often pick out library books that go along with something we’ve been hearing about—something that interests us. I feel like this is such a natural way for kids to learn. It is authentic learning. Buzzword.

I’ve been giving the boys reading lessons from the book, Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. My aunt and mom recommended the book and it’s been great. The lessons are around 10-15 minutes long. I first started doing it with both of them at once, but now I’ve figured out that they do better when I go one-on-one with them. The book recommends starting kids at age five, so I wasn’t sure how they would do since they’re only three. I figured I’d try it out and see. I think it would be too much to do one lesson every day but they do well with having one every couple days and we do repetition of the sounds pretty much every chance we get. They’re interested in knowing what words say—on signs and shirts and packaging. It’s an amazing feeling to see the lights go on when something connects for them and sounds become a word. So. Awesome.

Anyway, I’m pulling out my homeschool preschool for the fall and am excited. I thought I’d share some of the pictures from the spring and some from recently that show what we’ve been up to. Much of this is prompted by what the boys are curious about. Maybe I’ll be a teacher some day. J Wait...

I'm keeping binders with the writing parts of their
reading lessons so we can watch it progress.

They practice their sounds and they're already sounding out words like pros!

Juice-making party

Tracing letters combined with sidewalk art



Physics! (sometimes painful)

Picnic after fountain-running

You would know all your planets if you slept under them too.



"Pushups"

Painting their rocket ship birdhouse

Exploring the ponds by our house: Science.
Exploring the ponds by our house while sprinting: P.E.

GIGANTIC flower!

Butterfly-watching at the ponds (Cal said the butterflies
were saying, "Calvin, you need a dog.")

After reading The Busy Tree, I drew a tree and they drew spiders and
squirrels and owls and ants on it...and then...

...we watched water absorption in our celery with food coloring.

Blue celery spots!

Picking things up with tongs: hand-eye coordination

 

Running in swim shorts in the sunny rain, looking for rainbows

Tracing letters- they love this

Exploring water

Getting set for some experiments

Dumping salt on an ice block...

and squirting watercolors into the salt trails...an ice sculpture!

Color-mixing

Tracing bodies after reading about body systems

Give Cal anything and he'll paint it.

Going on metro adventures...learning to read maps and navigate

...using Smart cards

Playing baseball with Dad after his games

Music?

Activity I tried for a class I took

More color mixing

Painting guitar picture frames

Paper space shuttles

Real astronaut gloves and boots!

Shopping on a $10/each budget

You seriously can't tell what I just drew? Baseball field. Duh, Mom.