Yesterday my dear friend Missy stayed with me after she was going to drop us all off because I had felt a sometimes-seizure-indicating tremor while we were out. So when I had the seizure I was not only safe at home, I was safe at home with Missy to take care of the FIVE children that were there. It inconveniently happened on a rare day that I was watching little Alex, who I used to watch all the time. I fell into a wall and got a black eye and bit my tongue all up.
I hate my situation so much. I have sole responsibility for the lives of my children and sometimes others' children too, and yet I can't always guarantee that I will be capable-- even conscious-- throughout my responsibility. I find myself wondering if having children was a smart decision. Every day they are in jeopardy because of my seizures. And then I get bummed out about it and sad and wonder if my seizures will get worse and worse or stay the same or get better. I'm sad that my seizures scare my kids and husband. And then my medication makes me spacey and I forget what I was worrying about. I know it could be much, much worse.
It's an odd and helpless feeling to have your own body fighting against you in this way-- I'm sure in any way.
One thing is for certain; I am blessed to have so many people who are willing to drop everything and help me when I need it.
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| My eye from yesterday |
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| My knees from the street in August |
Sorry you had another seizure. I would say I know what you are going through but, thankfully, I have no idea. What I do know is that it definitely was not a mistake for you to have kids. Your children are amazing and are fortunate to have you and Brian there for them. I know that God doesn't subject us to anything that we can't handle so there is solice in that as well. My guess is that you are a great role model for someone else out there in a similar situation as you. You might not even know it. Keep your chin up. In the meantime, let me know if your husband gets funny looks when you are out with him and still have a black eye. I will never forget when my mother had a black eye and my father a bandaged hand after a car accident. They got some interesting looks.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Garry. I do hope my journey is helping someone else. Brian hasn't gotten funny looks because we didn't really go many places and also it wasn't horrible. However, when we were dating I got a black eye while playing softball (lost the ball in the lights in the outfield, however, the ball found me right in the eye) and Brian did get looks in public. That one was much worse and lasted longer. He wrote a sign that said "I did not hit my girlfriend." and taped it to his chest while we went out. :)
DeleteThat black eye story is hilarious! Thanks for sharing!
DeleteDawn,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear this. Although a completely different situation, I have the same doubts about being a burden as a mother with MS.
http://greekwife.blogspot.com/2011/12/one-half-of-one-year.html
These bruises show me that you are still willing to live your life to the fullest instead of letting the possibility of a seizure trap you in a padded room.
Thank you, Ashley. It has been cool to "find" you as someone in a sort of similar position as me. I can't imagine not knowing what part of you is going to hurt or not be normal from day to day. I like to think too, that my children will be wiser and more compassionate because of having me as a mother, and I'm proud of myself for not locking myself in and not taking risks like some people I've read about with epilepsy. One of my boys has an inexplicable condition in his right eye that has resulted in no vision in that eye unless his strong eye is patched. There is no reason for it- it happened in-utero and no one knows why it happens. I've found that Cal understands his situation a little better when I compare it to my seizures and vice versa. There's no reason I have them and we just have to be prepared and make the best of it. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteDawnee, I'm so sorry this happened. And I know it's tough to think about the positives in this kind of situation, but I just wanted to comment (yet again) on how awesome your boys are. What a mature and thoughtful response! And it goes to show how many people in your life care about and love you! Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Libby! I think I usually do a good job of keeping things in perspective, but sometimes it can get depressing and downright scary. I'm glad you think the boys are awesome...I do too most of the time. :) I feel extremely blessed to have them and I want to always do the smart and well-prepared thing when it involves them and my seizures, which usually involves inconveniencing someone else, so it is against what I feel inclined to do. (Friday I barely decided to have Missy stay-- first I said no-- because I knew it was ruining her afternoon plans, but I'm SO glad that I did.) Hugs back at you!
DeleteYou can always, always ruin my afternoon plans.
ReplyDelete