Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Tale of Lumpy Tree: A Love Story

We threw away my old fake tree after last Christmas. It had seen many better days and we thought that by this Christmas the boys would enjoy going out to an actual tree farm and picking out a tree. So we went. We went to Joe's Trees in Loudon County. The boys loved running around, squealing about all the trees, pointing out all the "sad Christmas stumps" from the trees that had already been cut down. Brian was completely ambivalent about tree choice. He told me, "Pick whatever you want because I don't care at all." Well, he didn't care at all until he saw Lumpy Tree. He was then convinced that this was the tree we needed more than anything.
Lumpy Tree can be described in a number of ways, but even pictures and words don't do it justice. To give you a rough idea, it looks like:
·         A hairball that a large pine tree puked out, that then grew a stump and stuck around
·         Two trees that fell in love, started growing together as one and then got in a giant fight but couldn't quite separate again
·         Twin trees, where one was always bigger and stronger and eventually ate the smaller one
·         A tree that grew close to a nuclear facility
I mean, this thing is a pile. But Brian fell in love and soon the boys were also boisterously declaring their love of Lumpy Tree. It was the only tree they ever wanted to bring home. It was so beautiful and lumpy! It was a great as a cow! (This was Cal's phrase, and I'm not quite sure I follow it...) Lumpy Tree was so excited to see our house! They couldn't believe how cute Lumpy Tree was!
I could not believe that I was being pressured to put this coniferous pile of green in my living room. But what was I supposed to do? Be a bratty suburban wife with a perfect triangle tree when my boys all want a less-than-desirable one?
So I gave the go-ahead and Brian sawed it down. The guys who run the farm laughed hysterically and asked if we were kidding when we came dragging the tree over toward our car. They said they knew no one would want that one and they weren't sure what they were going to do with it. "This is one happy tree tonight!" one of the guys said. Cute.
All the way home the boys were talking about how much they love their new friend Lumpy Tree, and what would Lumpy Tree say about our house? Would he like it? It did feel kind of cool and generous to be taking a tree that no one else wanted and decorating it in our house. I’ll admit that.
The boys woke up super-stoked to decorate the tree. And I mean, bouncing-off-the-walls stoked. We did it and they were exuberant about it the entire time. This was a huge switch from the past seven or eight years, where I usually quietly and sentimentally do it by myself while listening to soft Christmas music late at night. Every ornament had its place. Big difference this morning. A couple ornaments were broken, and they were way unequally distributed. The boys are even more deeply in love with our beautiful Lumpy Tree now that it is covered in lights and ornaments. When we walk in the door, they immediately remind us we need to turn Lumpy Tree’s lights on. It now looks like Christmas threw up in our living room.
However, I’ll admit that even though he’s only been here for 24 hours, I’ve become kind of fond of our Lumpy Tree. And if we got a respectable, triangle tree, there would be no reason to write a blog entry about it.

Click here to find out about the other surprise we got from Lumpy Tree.

So many trees to run in between!

Perfectly respectable tree
Clark found the perfect tree for our Baby Peapod!

Yep. Meet Lumpy Tree.

Lumpy Tree, meet our house.

This. Just. Happened.

Weird, protruding branch in prominant location

Unbridled decorating enthusiasm-- doesn't even need
pants on for it.

What a pile of beauty

Oh, Lumpy Tree.

Weird exposure shot


  1. OMG, thanks for the morning laugh. I was laughing so hard my husband said, "what are you reading?" He also now loves lumpy tree and thinks you, or we, I'm not sure which, needs one every year. :-)

    1. Haha! Happy to add a laugh to your morning. If you find a lumpy tree I need to see a picture, please. :)

  2. My husband also got involved. He said, "good for the mom!"


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